I have had more than the fair share of boy disasters throughout my lifetime. It amazes me how easily I can fall into situations even when extremely cautious not too. But I’m an optimistic dreamer and unfortunately that can’t be switched off for specific areas of my life.
What I have disliked the most about young relationships is the continuous guessing game that people love to roll out. While other girls are ready to play it, I’m ready to ignore it. I say what I want and I do what I feel. But I forget to remind myself that not everybody has the same intentions. And there are always signs but like any striving girl boss, I’m too busy trying to conquer the world to worry about dissecting your sincerity. So I believe you and that is my biggest downfall of all.
I met Jason at a date party. He wasn’t my date but as soon as I passed him, I felt an alluring connection. I knew I wanted to know him and wanted him to know me. The next day I let my alter ego conduct most of the work. And by the end of the night, I had a new fling, a phone number and a very cautious big brother telling me that this wouldn’t end well. I didn’t have much of a plan when it came to what I actually wanted but I knew that I was in no shape for a relationship. I feared the loss of power that came with entering one and to be perfectly fair wasn’t exactly put together from my last commitment. But Jason wasn’t looking for a relationship either. So we entered into one of those strange casual dating-friendship flings. It was never discussed, it was never outlined, it just happened.
Fast forward 4 months and I began to pick up on some of Jason’s flaws. I consider myself a confident person but only when it comes to things I feel I have earned the right to be confident about. In other words, I believe that you should only be cocky when you have the resume, awards or experience to back it up. Something that continues to amaze me about frat boys is that they can have absolutely none of that and somehow still believe that they are the Zac Efron’s of our world. Jason was like that; Always talking like he was one step up and me- left there, confused as to what step he had been climbing.
I couldn’t help but feel like he was overcompensating for a former self who at some point wasn’t considered as good looking or cool. I’m cautious to criticize this because we are all looking to live up to the potential that our younger selves once set for us. My life is all about wanting 12-year-old me to think I turned out ridiculously cool. But I also wouldn’t want my 12-year-old self to think I’m an a**hole. And I think that’s the part that Jason forgot.
But I thought he was cool, I did. I had no idea why and rather than ponder, I just let it be. He feared commitment despite the fact that I was never asking for it. At certain times, I felt sad for him and worried about all the opportunities that he would miss out on just because he couldn’t bare to let fate play out. He had a plan for everything and I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that I could scare so easily with just a question. It was a continuous frustrating cycle of great times followed by random outbursts of rejection. As if we couldn’t possibly have a good time together without waking up in an accidental relationship.
But he was cautious and I was free-spirited, and that combination will only last if you’re willing to be both. Which neither of us were. Throughout the months that I would see him, I could never quiet pick up on whether I felt like he was just a good guy with some bad flaws or a bad guy with some good flaws. And if you can’t decipher that difference then it’s probably a sign that you shouldn’t be there. But I liked him a lot and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had someone to hang with who wouldn’t try to change me.
I later realized that Jason didn’t try to change me because he never tried to know me. Throughout the friendship, he would avoid asking me certain questions, refused to let interesting conversations lengthen and always backed out of spontanious meet ups. He was continuously cautious and always fearful. Liking me wasn’t part of the plan and it never would be.
On the last day that we were together, Jason still couldn’t remember where I was from. I’m not much of a people person but if you’re kissing someone for 4 months that should be simple to pick up on. And as silly as it all sounds looking back, this was the first moment that I realized something was wrong. The first time that I got an inckling like I had let myself trust the wrong kind of person.
But I shook it off and the remainder of the night was lighthearted. I left the night laughing and happy. When I looked at him, he looked happy too. So as naive as I am, I will believe you when you smile at me and kiss me goodbye. And I’ll believe you when you tell me that you can’t wait to come over later this week. And not because I like you but because I trust you. Which in case you’re wondering, is a people characteristic not a relationship one.
The next day was my birthday. No texts, no social media comments, no snapchats. The ultimate millennial burn for a blogger and I was above trying to decipher it. So while a part of me was shocked, the rest of me saw it all coming. I suppose I expected more than a text, the day after my birthday, dumping me with a lack of any real explanation. But once I realized there was a new plan, I knew I wouldn’t have any say in changing it. And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t really care too.
My ego took the hit while my head reminded me that I wasn’t loosing much. I wanted my relationship with Jason to continue for selfish reasons but I think some of me was curious what would happen if we both stopped being so guarded. But I never thought our relationship was anything more than it was and from the very beginning knew it was something I’d get over.
But if my messy history has taught me one thing it’s that maturity and acceptance will always get you the farthest. So I accepted the rejection and moved on with my life. I smiled and said hello when I was able too and avoided any situation that would let pettiness come out. Despite this, Jason avoids as much interaction, (and eye contact) as possible. I never thought I would hold enough power to make boys flee from buildings when I enter until this particular experience. But in the end, I’ve always made the planners of this world uncomfortable.
My year had already began with an overly ambitious schedule filled with leadership positions, University and work. But I feel like the only way to actually get over something is to throw yourself into what you love and make yourself so busy that you don’t have time to worry about the nonsense. In other words, the only way I was going to get over it was if I built the bridge myself.
So I was thrown into running sorority recruitment, rallied for my activism organization, joined a student government campaign, organized an intramural softball team and began cultivating travel plans. I am exhausted. I run on 4 hours of sleep a night, drink nothing but coffee and am continuously confused about where I’m supposed to be at any given time. But I don’t think about him and I’m grateful to be who I am.
And this weekend, I’m representing Temple University at a National Leadership Conference. And to think this all started as nothing more than a last effort to show a boy that he never really knew anything about me. But has become a reminder of what can happen when you have trust in your own potential. Because you should never be kissing a boy that can’t remember where you are from.
So Cheers to all the girls who are temporarily lost and to all the boys who will one day know that they messed up.
- Names have been changed for Ego protection.